A Dance of Reckoning

Birds, Words, and the Color Blue

Hawaiian Nenes (geese) flying recently over my home

I am surrounded by birds; Java Sparrows, White Rumped Shamas, Rose-Ringed Parakeets, and of course, chickens and roosters. There are soooo many chickens and roosters on Kauai that if every person who visited this island in the next month took one home with them, there would still be thousands of squawking alarm clocks going off at all hours of the day and night.

This story, this dance isn’t about those birds. It’s about freedom.

I am surrounded by words; thoughts, emotions. senses, actions, and of course, feelings. There are soooo many feelings coursing through my being when I’m writing that even when I focus on expressing just one, there are still several others bouncing around in my head.

This story, this dance isn’t about all those words. It’s about failure.

I am surrounded by blue; the sky, the curtains on my windows, the art on my walls, and of course, the ocean that encircles the island I live on. There are soooo many shades of blue to ooh and aah over that were I to spend the rest of my life in pursuit of my favorite, there would still be new hues to discover.

This story, this dance isn’t about all those shades of blue. It’s about forgiveness.

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Over the three decades I’ve been dancing and facilitating conscious movement, freedom, failure, and forgiveness have shown up in my dance more times than I can count. While freedom and forgiveness have held strong appeal to move with, failure hasn’t been a dance partner I excitedly extend my hand and heart to, especially so during the last three plus years. And when failure has insisted on dancing with me, I’ve been reluctant to engage in a deep dive with what it has to show and teach me about my own mistakes. Instead of accepting the hard invitation, I’ve skimmed the surface, said “Fuck you very much. Now move along,” and have continued to view some painful stories through a particular lens.

That kind of shallow dance, outright dismissal, and perspective has made me feel ‘better’ (aka, righteous) at times, but it hasn’t really helped me in the accountability and responsibility realms of healing. A dance of reckoning with my own failures feels like really scary territory to be engaged with, but it is something I must move with and move through if real freedom and forgiveness is what I want.

Is there a dance you have been reluctant to take the hand of?
Do you know why that is?

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Birds and the color blue.
Freedom and forgiveness.
I want these things for myself and for you.

• Plenty of birds to sing where you live.

• Many shades of blue to remind you of what you ache for

• Freedom from suffering

• Forgiveness of self from one’s own transgressions

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I’m feeling a bit of trepidation as I venture into writing more vulnerable, intimate stories of embodied healing and human being-ness here, but I won’t be deterred. Shame and guilt have been extending their hands out and I’ve recently taken them in mine. I’m devoted to learning more about these ignored partners in this dance of reckoning so I can better understand and forgive not only my own failures, but be more forgiving of others’. While this dance is taking place throughout my entire being (body, mind, heart, and soul), I will continue to show up every Sunday sharing prose, poetry, music, and a few swear words with you. 😉 I know from experience that healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in connection to and belonging with others.

Thank you, dear subscriber for the connection and the sense of belonging and purpose I feel when writing posts for I Am The Dance. Thanks for choosing to be here.

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Here’s a powerful, pulsating, let-your-limbs-fly song (Bullet by Fluke) to move with your own dance of reckoning. I’ve included the lyrics as they pack a powerful punch as well.

Ain't nothing wrong, ain't nothing wrong
Everything alright, ain't nothing wrong

Not strictly true
But its the best way yet to make it through
Some errors have been made
Won't go away
Won't make as many more today
Is best considered as the greatest
Yet remembered as the one
Not as much fun as those ahead
Not yet begun
To get it right

Ain't nothing wrong, ain't nothing wrong
Everything alright, ain't nothing wrong

To think it easy as simple a, b, c
No magic spell
No mystery
Assuming everything is well
As can be
Dreamed about it
Longing for it
Ain't we all but doing it
Takes something more than better is the best
Requested
Now lets get it right