A Dance of Honesty, Heartache, Hope, and Home

Saying What's Unspoken to Be Broken Open

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Honesty is the feeling of being free.

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I don’t know where to begin with this post. It is getting close to the end of this day, Sunday, November 12th (in Hawaii), and I don’t know how words and thoughts will weave themselves together to create some coherent essay that might not only say what I long to say, but might touch you in some way.

Maybe I’ll start by telling you about this heart-shaped cookie I made this morning. Maybe I’ll mention that when I scooped the batter onto the baking sheet, I could already ‘see’ a heart was waiting to be made visible. Maybe I’ll be honest and tell you when I finished sculpting it into what you see in the photo above, the tears began to fall.

I ate tears of honesty, heartache, hope, and home for breakfast.

Two cups of coffee later, some journal writing, taking the laundry off the line, making the bed, petting the cat…the presence of something I hadn’t been able to shake lingered into the late-morning light of sun and shadows and rainbows.

Perhaps it was the strange night of sleep I’d had that continued to haunt and taunt me. I woke up every couple of hours feeling as though more than one person had visited me in my bed, in my heart, and in my head. Perhaps all those who showed up in my dreams had something important to tell me. Perhaps there was a truth I had awakened to I could not ignore…

My heart aches for what could have been.

Perhaps we all ache in some way for what could have been.

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I could have been a wife for the rest of my life, but I couldn’t see beyond the betrayal.

I could have been a life-long lover, but I couldn’t see beyond feeling like a failure because I felt differently than he did.

I could have been a polyamorous playmate, but I couldn’t see beyond the lack of integrity and true intimacy.

I could have been a woman who was only true to herself, but I couldn’t see beyond right-doing and wrong-doing, beyond loving and being in love, beyond playing for companionship and playing for keeps.

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Heartache is the feeling of missing what might have been or what might have been present all along and you missed it while you weren’t able to be present to it.

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I missed my former spouse’s pain, sorrow, and shame.

I am missing who you were, who you might have been with me, who you might really be now. I feel at times like I never really knew you and then are times when I feel I am the only one who ever really knew you. I wish I had known what you had carried for so long. I wish you had trusted me to know you intimately and only as one’s spouse does.
Love was present all along.
I’m so sorry, James.

I missed my twin flame’s desire for spiritual connection, union, and healing.

I am missing our mutual flailing, fire, and fortitude separately and yet, together. I feel like the timing of where each of our stories and our lives have been at, we were aligned and then misaligned and then realigned and then misaligned again. I wish for understanding, reconciliation, and something free. Presence was present all along.
I’m sorry, Jeff.

I missed opportunities with two men I thought could teach me something about generosity, about being unattached to outcomes, and about loving the present moment.

I am missing not ever really knowing who you were then and who you are now. Play was present all along. I’m sorry, Brad and Leif.

I will not miss the opportunities in the time I have left of living this life to be true to myself, to hold right-doing and wrong-doing in the same playing field of being human, to love and be love, and to play as though every day is the last game I have to live with my heart broken open. I will continue to say what I need to say so what is true for me is made real.

Time is present now.
Live so that you’re not sorry anymore, Lila.

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Hope is the feeling that love will turn out to be the honest answer to every question we’ve ever asked and the remedy to every heartache we’ve ever endured.

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And what of home? That’s a story, an essay for another Sunday.

For now, I’ll end this day with this song and with the hope that you will dance honestly with whatever heartache you feel.

To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra